it's kinda annoying when people think I have no feelings and emotions at all.
That what my ex-boyfriend used to tell me "Sometimes I think you're an automatic machine, who doesn't need any kind of relationships ever. You've got your friends who admire you, bands, books and your plans on the future"
That's false of course. I'm human being from flesh and bones and somewhere inside of me I'm quite vulnerable. But I think only Lena saw that side of my personality. Someone should be the strong one and I usually take this responsibility. Even after mum's death, my brother asked me not to show any single tear or fear in front of other people. "I know, Helen, you're strong, I know you can".
The only days I had no emotions were when I was taking antidepressants. And that was horrible. You're just switching between moods in your own head but actually don't feel anything. it's like announcement, label on your forehead "happy", but your face remains the same.  I mean you can smile or frown, but nothing clicks in your head.
I don't know where did it come from.
But you see how much one phrase hit me. I think that means anything. I just don't like to show the seamy side of my soul to everyone.