Sometimes it's ok talking to him. Sometimes it's not. Most of the time he just gets on my nerves, but it usually happens when he's drunk or stoned. And he's like this most of the time. I'm glad we broke up.
Now he forces me to earn money from russian Blur community. I yelled at him and called him a dickhead. I'm doing this because of love and appreciation towards these people.
Such an attitude only irritates me. Different internet magazines and radio shows write me asking to make posts about them. If it relates to Blur (or any member of it) I do it, if it's not an advertising.
And he says I should ask for money!
"You devote too many hours to it." tells me 26 year old guy who hasn't worked for few years already, lives with his mum and dates 16 year old girl :S
Of course I don't pay attention. I'm HAPPY we broke up.

I need to hang on this note somewhere near my computer, so my co-workers won't be bothered anymore trying to arrange a date for me

Одинокая девушка одинока отнюдь не потому, что до сих пор не встретила распрекрасного Петю. Она одинока потому, что по своим внутренним причинам не готова ни к встрече с Петей, ни к отношениям еще с кем-либо. Судьбоносная встреча происходит тогда, когда человек к ней готов. А устраивать свидания, когда о них не просят – это, опять же, унижение человеческого достоинства. Подобная “забота” не стоит благодарности – лучше от нее деликатно отказаться.

Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.

― William Gibson

wow it's slightly frightening but I really look the same. My Fred Perry is black tho with twin white lines on the sleeves, but basically if I smoke I even smoke Malboro menthol lights (I'm ashamed to admit what I'm doing this, it happens really rarely and usually after couple of drinks...lol that doesn't add any extra points to my reputation)

at least today I'm wearing red converse and loose blue shirt... wow another original look of mine.
The point is I've always fighted to look differently to others and now I'm realising all what I'm doing is just replica of someone else? Does it really bother me?
NO

Holy shit I can't be so pissed off with one person, can I?
I love my job and most of the people around, but sometimes I just want to punch one lady in the face to cut her down. Srsly she doesn't stop talking ever, she has an opinion on everything even if she doesn't know what we're talking about. She thinks she's centre of attention and everyone looks at her and admires her. She's talking about it aloud! God how annoying.
And she thinks she can judge my style and she does that every single day.
She calls me a viper and asks to use sarcasm a bit less, but I just can't! I can't stand her and her stupidity.
UGH

wow I haven't written here for a long time. It's just... every time I went on here I don't feel it's alright to write down something. it's so ridiculous honestly, I don't need to explore deep and mysterious corners of my or anyone else soul every time I want to leave a note. it's just...diary. I shouldn't be serious about it. 
wow I'm so pretentious lol
anyway I guess I'm doing well. I mean I've been super busy at work lately, so much stuff to do etc, I even look for assistant rn, who would done all boring, but necessary stuff, which kills a lot of my time that I could have spent more creatively.

In other news there are like 3 men who seem interested in me :/ and as always I don't feel like going on a date with anyone of them.
I dunno what's this, just a little hint on possibility-of-sometthing-what-might-be-called-relationship-in-the-future and I'm disappearing in a moment. None of them is smart, funny or beautiful enough for my high desires, so I can't be bothered at all.
I like being on my own, don't know why do people make such a big fuss from it.

wow we got closer with Polina lately, because of her started obsession with Blur. Not sure who's one to blame. Was it me and just chain of sequences, but she's truly obsessed now and yay now we share not only love to AM and Miles.
She's cute and nice, once I felt down and she called me and sang 3 songs in a row, that was so aaawwww sometimes it's really freaking me out (in a good way) that some people are so kind and concerned. I mean I'm trying to be like this too, but... idk probably I rarely meet someone like this irl.
And she reminds me of me a lot. She's a bit younger (17 years old) and of course hasn't experienced same things as me yet, but she strangely sounds a lot like me most of the time.
And even her behaviour...once we got closely, I see how much she needs my company and she's trying to look less eager, but fails and accidentally drops something like "oh evening without you seemed so boring and unworthy".
I know how hard it can be to say. I'm always afraid that people don't feel the same way as me and my concern for certain person just bothers him.
It's like a vicious circle. I'm afraid to say what I want to say aloud and being such an annoying stalker, so choose completely opposite direction and look indifferent in other eyes, so if they've loved me already they don't sure if I love them back, so they go away as as soon as possible.
Yes, she's often called unemotional and arrogant and concentrated on being model student etc
She doesn't suffer fools gladly and she doesn't know how to keep distance with the current affair ;)
stay awesome guuurl

arctic monkeys fake tales of san francisco

Fake Tales of San Francisco

Echo through the room.

More point to a wedding disco

Without a bride or groom.

There's a super cool band yeah

With their trilbies and their glasses of white wine.

And all the weekend rock-stars are in the toilets,

Practicing their lines.

I don't want to hear you.

(Kick me out)

Fake Tales of San Francisco

Echo through the air.

And there's a few bored faces in the back

All wishing they weren't there.

And as the microphone squeaks,

A young girl's telephone beeps.

Yeah she's dashing for the exit

And she's running to the streets outside.

"Oh you've saved me," she screams down the line.

"The band were fucking wank"

And I'm not having a nice time."

I don't want to hear you

(Kick me out)

Yeah but his bird thinks it's amazing, though.

So all that's left,

Is the proof that love's not only blind but deaf.

He talks of San Francisco, he's from Hunter's Bar.

I don't quite know the distance,

But I'm sure that’s far,

Yeah I'm sure that’s pretty far

And yeah, I'd love to tell you all of my problem.
You're not from New York City, you're from Rotherham,
So get off the bandwagon, and put down the handbook.

 

(second day in a row I can't take it out off of my head)

quote

yep these lyrics describe my recent days perfectly:

Struggling with the notion that it's life not film

I'd rather lay on the floor and listen to rocket juice and the moon than trying to work rn, but ofc I can't allow this.
My organism's killing me. Apparently I've done something wrong and ugh menses came too early. It started in january tho, but this time only 18 days have passed since the last one. Taking that fact that it usually lasts for 5-6 days, I feel like it never ended.
And I always feel pretty shitty during those days.
I know that's because of diagnosed disfunction of ovaries (lol tumblr made this word sounds funny), but this aknowledge doesn't help me feel better.

it's kinda annoying when people think I have no feelings and emotions at all.
That what my ex-boyfriend used to tell me "Sometimes I think you're an automatic machine, who doesn't need any kind of relationships ever. You've got your friends who admire you, bands, books and your plans on the future"
That's false of course. I'm human being from flesh and bones and somewhere inside of me I'm quite vulnerable. But I think only Lena saw that side of my personality. Someone should be the strong one and I usually take this responsibility. Even after mum's death, my brother asked me not to show any single tear or fear in front of other people. "I know, Helen, you're strong, I know you can".
The only days I had no emotions were when I was taking antidepressants. And that was horrible. You're just switching between moods in your own head but actually don't feel anything. it's like announcement, label on your forehead "happy", but your face remains the same.  I mean you can smile or frown, but nothing clicks in your head.
I don't know where did it come from.
But you see how much one phrase hit me. I think that means anything. I just don't like to show the seamy side of my soul to everyone.

I'm terrible person, I don't know how to keep distance with people. I mean one day I can be totally attached to someone and the other I feel like a stranger to him.
Serge tried to contact me, we used to be the best friends up until last autumn, but I just pushed him futher. I don't now why I keep doing that.
He said that our mutual friend's bought a car and they want to see me, have a little party about that and stuff. However I lied about my business that day and decided not to go. Why?! I think I'm still quite offended that no one of them was around when I felt pretty unsafe last autumn. Even mates on internet were more concerned about me.
"Don't make me feel guilty, girl, my every single attempt to get in touch with you breaks against your wall of indifference"
Anyway we're ok with Tanya again, she called me yesterday and we talked about papers for visa.

going through the old pics. why, Helen, why?!

Feel bad cuz I had an argument with the friend and I was quite rude and she hasn't called me since friday. Idk I just got tired of her didactic tone, she doesn't even notice it, but she frequently uses it. It's always been like this tbh.
"How long had you been with those guys yesterday?"
"How much did you drink?"
"Have you eaten anything today?"
etc
Heeeey I can stand up for myself and she knows it perfectly. I've always been kind of leading force in our relationship. We haven't ever shared interests but she used to follow me everywhere. No one can blame me for the lack of responsibility, productivity, but she's more...down-to-earth. She's just...normal. Ordinary normal. I always can rely on her tho, I've known her since we were 10 years old. We don't share same passion for music, books, genres of films, clothes after all.
"You're like the busiest girl in the world, I admire your ability to catch up with all those works, but don't you think that getting excited because i-dont-care-who replied you is quite late for you. You're not 15 years old, you always forget about it"
Describing our relationship rn it's like... dinner with the family. Calm, quiet, sometimes it can be exciting, but basically same shit every time.

I thought I convinced this guy, I'm not interested in anyone since I've got Lena. He's so creepy and annoying I can't. He's 36 and he's concentrate on collecting every single blur and dm record. Every single one. EVERY. Even if it's rare promo where song accidentally happened to be 5 secs shorter than on any others. And I don't exaggerate, He once told me he's got like 7 or 8 copies of Think Tank, because it was said somewhere that there's a bunch of copies where Me, White Noise is shorter than ordinary version by mistake of publishers. And now he's trying to find it.
OMG
I'd get it if he was listening to them at least, but as far as I know,he just puts new disk on the shell. I mean I like to collect stuff, but what he's doing is just insane.
But I obv attract him and he doesn't know how to deal with girls (seems he's never dated anyone oO) so he's just bothering me all the time, texting silly things (did you sleep well? what did you eat? do you like to put sugar in coffee? good grief, get a life!) and he keeps filling my private messages even if I'm not online.
I don't reply so he starts to wonder where I am, why I'm not online.
SO ANNOYING.
We (me and Lena) once changed our statuses to "married" on russian social network. Sometimes it's so easy to misleading people and we receive so much fun from it (and we're just playing with people's imaginary tbh). Anyway he asked why I'm married to girl. I said because we love each other, what a silly question, why do people get married.
- So did a wedding ceremony occur too?
- No. Church doesn't allow marrige like this.
- Erm well what did you do?
- You know russian laws don't allow us to be married legally, so it's more like state of mind, not actual marrige with the papers.
- Ok.
And he kept silent for the whole evening and even didn't say goodbye as he used to. lol
I thought wow finally, I managed to get rid off of him not being nasty and rude (and I don't like to be rude to anyone, unless they really deserve it) .
BUT NO.
He texted me this morning again (Hello, Lena, what did you dream about). Please, nooo

ugh sometimes I just can't stand russian Milex fans. At first they're going like: omg omg omg how cute they're truly a couple. And when they started to play 505 and Little Illusion Machine on AM gigs together
with all those hands holding, constant whispering, pointing at each other, ass slapping, dedications of the songs ("Next song is called My fantasy and I want to dedicate it to my Alex Turner") etc etc

And everyone is just: "No no no no I can't believe it! Pleaaaase, I want them to be NORMAL"
But what do you mean "normal", what's normal behaviour for you? And why have you changed your attitude towards them so fast? It's so hypocrite x)

I'm not trying to force anyone to ship them, it's ok if you don't get it, but calling them abnormal it's just so...ugh rude. What would change if they would've announced that? You'd stop to listen to them? They 'd start to write bad songs?
I just got angry because I saw reply one of the russian fans "Thanks God they have girlfriends now! They're normal" ugh this word again.
And I'm not sure is it just they or it's general opinion of russian people. Just like my coworker once said: "Elton John is ok, I mean his music is fine, but he's gay, I wouldn't want to go on his show". GO AWAY CLOSE-MINDED CUNTS

the fondest memory I have about Moscow is probably our dance in the pub where everyone else was eating.
It was getting quite quite and boring so when "Do you want to" by Fraz Ferdinand started playing I didn't think twice and jumped on my legs. I said something like "well it should be like this then" and started sing along and copy Alex Kapranos moves from the video.
Lena gave me that glance "wtf are you doing" then smiled and joined me. She told me later that she's always wanted to do something like this, but she hasn't had any guts to start it being all shy and quite person herself. And I'm certainly helping her to be ok around people. ^^
Fren was like "ffs girls, I don't know you" but we kept dancing and singing.
after initial shock everyone else started laughing and staring at us. They even applauded at the end lol

sometimes I forget not everyone in the world can understand fangirling. I put this picture with damon-soap on my page in russian social network and got lots of worried messages from my pals irl asking me am I still sane.
lol at you guys. Everyone has their priorities in the life, right? I'm not calling you boring and dumb persons cuz you don't seem to have any striking ardours.
You've choosen to being hurry to home at evenings for cooking dinner for your boyfriend, alright that's ok . You're talking about buying the new flat to move in there with you girlfriend?  Good boy.
But please don't make fun of me and Regina spending time together and watching films, gigs and shows, listening to music.
Like ordering food, drinking alcohol and watching dvds are should be forbidden for two mates? Then this life 's full of bullshit.
If I've met someone through common interests on internet it doesn't make him a less worthy than friends from school or uni, right?

this's hand-made soap with the pic of Damon on it. Lena gave it to me as the gift when we met. Idk how am I supposed to use it for washing. It'd be too much for me ;_;

People always wonder why do I use english everywhere instead of my native language.
That's not what I don't like russian. It's beautiful and tbh more versatile and expressive than english. But...idk I get used to think in english and sometimes I can't find a proper word in russian. That's not healthy I guess, but using russian on originally non-russian sites looks like mauvais ton for me.

And still I should train my skills, right? I'm pretty aware I'm not perfect and still make stupid mistakes occasionally, but that's what I've achieved learning this language with the help of songs, internet and books.
I have to improve my french too. I miss studing it, weird enough but I still remember lyrics in french and can sing.
So little time so many desires.

I already lost count how many times I've been told I look like Alex Kapranos.
wwwweeeirrrdd

My coworker just called me a sassy bitch and asked to use a bit less sarcasm. But erm well if I do that, that means you deserve it. And yeah don't tell me you can't cope with that annoyed look on my face and irritated tone of my voice.
Even my oldest friend once said if she didn't know me that long she would think I'm highly arrogant. I just don't like when someone complaining about things and continuing do nothing.
I mean if you want to achieve something you should work on it.
But comment of my coworker has been said in the case of my clothes oh as always. "If you won't wear skirts and continue dressing like a teenage boy, no one ever will look at you." I swear, stupid woman, if I'll wear those horrible lettuce green dresses like you, I won't accomplish this goal too. And this's not that kind of attention what I want.
So you can sit down and keep whining about your saddest destiny and this cruel world where everyone alone is to blame, but not you.

what happened in Moscow...

I don't even want to start talking about how amazing these girls are. We're not just Woo-Hoo band fans, we're truly friends.

We were talking about relationships with Regina. And I realised I don't even want one. My last boyfriend made me think that it's quite horrible state of life without any freedoms, but with a lot of responsibilities and a lack of fun. He was such an enormous twat and jealous bastard tho, trying to ban me from my friends, complaining about me constantly being busy, but then again, he didn't mind to use my salary for buying beer (and alcohol in general) and cigarettes every day. He had even managed to cheat on me!
We met because he's huge Blur fan and moreover, fanboy of Damon. I thought it's enough for perfect relationship, but no, his refusal to discover new things, absolute laziness, lack of interest to my other hobbies did their own job.
Now he's claiming, break up was my fault and that fact that I'm still single makes him think I'm not interested in men in general, because he's seen what effect I have even on girls. Weird. I'm just free of any gender stereotypes. I'm more interested in human personality and don't consider people as the sexual objects.
But that's another story.

Really old picture but we look so happy here. I can't help myself but smile every time I see this one

Don Quixote, Female Portrait

If you care about socionic you've probably known already about different types of human nature. I've always been described as Intuitive logical extravert (The Seeker or The Inventor) and this is just insane how pretty accurate these descriptions fit me.
Workaholic with tonnes of ideas, most of the time from completely different fields. I want to do a lot of stuff and being responsible for those, just to feel important. That's just the way I get used to live.

Two birds in the bush [he often chooses this option instead of one in his hand]. He is a genius at finding new opportunities and possibilities. What he has completed always seems to him less important compared to the dawning perspectives which are irresistible an inexhaustible. Scientists of this type tend to procrastinate with the publishing of the results of their research, thinking that the greatest discoveries are still ahead. He lives for the future; meanwhile being not acknowledged does not intimidate him. He chooses to do what is interesting rather than what is lucrative.

No time for procrastinating, no time for self-observation, I'm starting to fall in to the deep depression and it usually doesn't end up well. 

My complicated relationship with food

The main thing that I've learned about my organism, I shouldn't try to lose weight by avoiding food.
In the moments like these, consequences of eating disorder (not a pleasent period of my life called "anorexia") mess up all the hormonal and endocrinal processes in my organism.

The idea of not being perfectly shaped in the physical kind of way has always followed me like a nightmare. Despite of the fact that I've always been told opposite.
I don't want to sound like a hypocrite, I mean I'm pretty aware that people find me attractive. But looking at the mirror I always find something what doesn't fit my own high standarts.
I'm wearing 36 size in europe standartization (not sure about another countries, but it's like 8 in UK and XS-S in general), but still find my thighs too wide.

And for this inferiority complex I'm paying a bit too high price, having all those female troubles, low blood pressure, low body temperature. I'm not even sure I can have kids. I don't even want one, but it's always nice to have a chance if you'd change your mind.

Polka dot

Ordered yesterday and I'm quite happy with that.

Hello there

In the glory of my vanity, I decided to start a personal blog.

Well not very personal, since I consider there'll be some readers, but still closed and hidden from my irl friends.

As if they're still interested in stuff like that.

And as on my other accounts on the net I'll be writing in english. It's became a habit I guess.

But yeah enough with the introducing words.

Let's face it I'm here to whining about different stuff that's surrounded me. And usually I'm surrounded by co-workers since I spend like 10 hours on the job. Mostly because I really like my job. If you didn't know, but I'm a software-engineer, who's currently pretending she's good in doing web stuff, such as applications, sites, design etc.

I'm usually... I like to create, like to do shitload of tasks in the same time, come with the ideas, trying to do this or that or god-knows-what.

I remember last year I had been working on two jobs, doing some university stuff, trying to get a degree, studing english for international exam, sometimes hanging out with friends.

I know this autumn changed everything, even me, cuz no doubts something clicked and I'm still in the ambivalent period when I want start to live the pleasant life filled with joys, new pastimes (drawing for example) etc, but instead of it I'm sitting in front of monitor and writing this. Lack of occupationg is killing me, mum would have disapproved it if she had been alive.

Ramblings, ramblings, ramblings. I'm full of them.